Have you ever wondered why some AMAZING women are single?
We all know a few of those women. They are beautiful, confident, educated and successful; and yet, they cannot keep a relationship for longer than a few months. It’s often confusing for many women because when men describe an ideal life partner or when they are out with their friends, they give a lot of attention to the beautiful, confident, educated and successful woman BUT THEY DON’T MARRY HER.
The views in this article came from a healthy mix of married and single women who sat down for candid conversations. These are men who have done the work; they are self aware and emotionally mature. Many of them were either married or in healthy long-term relationships and some even professed attending weekly therapy; so as far as “ideal life partners”, these men are as good as it gets.
Contrary to popular belief, most men get to a point where they are looking for a life partner. Of course, this is after they have “sowed their wild oats” and invested in themselves. This is the first point. Realize that timing is just as important as the connection itself. So, if you connect with a man, you must also assess if he is at the right stage in his life where he is ready and open to receiving a life partner.
So lets take the fluff out – we are not talking about the color of your eyes, the shape of your body or how luscious your lips are; we are discussing the fundamentals that lead a man to view one woman as a life partner over another.
Here are 8 reasons that kept coming up on why men choose who they choose (you’re welcome):
1. Let’s Take it Back to Sports! Most men play and watch sport their entire lives. So obviously they know the importance of having great teammates if they’re going to win. They apply this logic to relationships too! They figure, a life partner is the ultimate teammate so she has to have qualities that include; being able to communicate as well as listen, being able to assess situations and make decisions for the good of the relationship/ team; being able to contribute for the success of the relationship/team and being able to stick around, stay motivated and stay strong during the inevitable tough times when the “team” is not winning.
2. The “Ride or Die” Concept! A common theme that keeps coming up, is that men require an encouraging and supportive woman and it seems; loyalty means more to them than women realize. The point here is to understand that when things get hard and the whole world turns their back on this man, he needs to know that he can always find “home” in her. Anticipating you’re the other person’s needs, dreams and goals is super important – it shows proactive investment in your partner’s well being. While its easy to be supportive when things are going well, and he is prospering; it is even more important to stand by a man and be willing to offer any resources available to you to raise him up when he is down. This includes encouraging him, believing in him, helping where you can and reassuring him when he feels doubtful.
3. The Picket Fence Costs Money! While most men are raised to be providers, we all know the world is not as kind. He may want to give you the dream wedding, the dream home, the dream car and that dream life; but realistically, unless he is part of the top 1% you’re going to have to take it down a notch! .... OR BETTER YET… help him! Most men want to grow, improve and succeed, but they also want a woman who wants the same thing – she must be ambitious in the same way he is (so they want to achieve the same things). An ambitious woman may better understand some of the challenges he faces and be able to push him, challenge and support more effectively. Being ambitious together was described to keep the relationship fun, interesting and strong! So figure out your passion and how you can contribute to the team!
4. Family Matters
This was another important reason why men choose who they choose. Men described that they observe how a woman interacts and treats her family as well as her relationship with her parents. Which makes sense if you think about it, your values on the importance of family and forgiveness really determine whether you would make an ideal life partner or not. This also includes how nurturing a woman is – so a man is observing how this “potential wife” would look after their home, his children, his family and herself. “Herself” touches on grooming, health and fitness ladies – so it matters how you continue to take care of yourself during the relationship.
5. Your Past Over Your Future! We all know, some people are carrying a lot of baggage from their past and they are just bitter sometimes! No matter what, these hurt spirits will find a way to focus on the negative, refer to the past and consistently stand in the way of their own happiness. They tend to see challenges not opportunities and allow their past to influence their present. BE WARNED – MEN RUN A MILE FROM THESE WOMEN. Sad thing is they probably don’t realize how they are, so they never change. While they may get dates, they most likely will not be getting a life partner.
6. Its Compromising Not Settling A lot of women feel like they are settling whenever they have to sacrifice or give up something. And yet, no situation is perfect all the time - there is a difference between compromise and settling. Research shows that while women may feel like they are settling, this actually demonstrates one’s ability to compromise, which is key to a long-lasting relationship. Life partners understand the importance of finding common ground over getting their way all the time. Being able to compromise shows that you are not selfish, and you are realistic thinker. Remember no one is perfect and people will disappoint you, but if you find yourself insisting on always getting your way you’re not playing for the team!
7. Handling Conflict! It is inevitable that there will be conflict in a relationship. You must decide if you will add fuel to the fire or water. The idea is to be fair and remember to listen and consider the other person’s views while calmly communicating yours. Once you get to a point of attacking, name calling, sulking, bringing up the past or insulting things that break the other person down; you are already in a toxic space. How one handles conflict also touches on emotional and physical abuse as well as how long you allow yourself to remain angry.
8. Independence vs Interdependence Men need to feel needed – they cannot help but want to be the dashing prince charming who fixes the pipes, checks your car and protects and takes care of you. While you can obviously do many of these things yourself, he wants to feel like he can help you. Please give him the opportunity to do that – find ways in which he can help and provide value to your life and allow him to contribute.
9. Emotional Safety This is perhaps one of the tough ones, but by far the most important. If you have seen a woman that is lurking in any of the points above; but she was still able to land her life partner, then she most probably has this one big gem – the ability to connect with a man on an emotional level and make their point without being disrespectful or talking down at him. Most men are raised to be believe that showing emotion is a form of weakness. Which is unfair because they feel too. That’s why, if a man finds a woman that is “safe and secure” – one whom he can truly be vulnerable with and express his fears, his pain and his frustrations without feeling judged but feeling totally loved and supported, he will choose her. Unfortunately, this is not one you can force; emotional safety comes with time, a lot of patience and a lot of support when times are hard. Emotional safety also touches on how confident you are in yourself. No one wants to constantly reassure anyone on their own self-worth. Emotionally unstable women tend to be insecure and no man wants a lifetime of that.
While each man is different and the characteristics, they are looking for in a woman are unique to each individual. The above points provide useful generalizations that apply to most men. Yes, physical attraction is the first factor and an important one; but most mature men seem to realize that looks fade with age – they realize that they will not always looks as good or be as fit; so likely this applies to the woman too. Finding a life partner means finding someone to share with and grow with. Go forth and find your life partner.
Kimberly Simon is the founder of The Venue Global Inc, she hosts a weekly forum title “What’s Your Opinion?” where men and women discuss often contentious relationship issues. Click Here to join the next discussion.